After they reappear in a private room, he will break the kiss to quietly sing that song from earlier... though the words are definitely changed a bit. Instead of the singer being unable to have his love, it's about him having the person right there.]
[ Tao won't interrupt Jianyu on purpose during the song, though he will be stepping closer and running his hand through his soulmate's hair. His eyes never stray from Jianyu's face, watching his expression and taking in the new words.
Only once the song is done does he lean back in for another kiss, one full of love, devotion, joy, amusement, lust, and awe. It's deep, but still holds a gentleness to it. A hand cups Jianyu's cheek, simply wanting more contact. After a few moments, he pulls back. ]
Beautiful. Just like you. [ His love should know that Tao isn't talking only physical appearance, but just how he sees all of Jianyu. ]
[That word holds so much weight... Something that has his expression softening, and his movements pausing. He does know, clearly, that it's directed at so much more than he seems to feel is... fitting.
Jianyu's gaze shifts to the side, a small smile touching his lips.]
Even after everything, you can still use that word with such ease...
[His words are quiet, but there's no hiding the mixed feelings. Or the way he halfway contradicts them, with how he's pulling Tao closer. He finally caves to the desire to simply bury his face into his other half's shoulder.]
[ He wraps an arm around Jianyu's waist when his soulmate pulls him closer, the other hand lifting to thread through the other's hair and letting him hide his face. There is no attempt to get Jianyu to look at him, leaving him to do what he needs.
A kiss is pressed to the top of his love's head, then he simply stays like that. ]
I only speak the truth in my heart. You have always been my universe, all the parts of you that you don't like, I see beauty in them. All you've done and been through have made you who you are now, but I will accept the bad with the good, the one being that I love with all of me.
[ His hand rubs up and down Jianyu's back. Some of the words he speaks are things that he's said before, but Tao will say them as many times as needed. ]
Metatron didn't design me to accept all of you, that was always part of his own love. I was made when he couldn't remember who you were, and it hurt so much, his life was much colder without you in it. You are more than just my whole heart, you're my whole being and reason for existing. All of those days with you have only made me love you more. Your playfulness and mischievousness, your dark past and many secrets, your pain and sorrow, your joy and pleasure, your thoughts and touch, your love and devotion, even all your negative emotions - I want to be able to experience all of you for the rest of eternity.
I would follow you into the depths of darkness, though I'd much rather go hand-in-hand. "Love" seems like such a small word for what I feel for you, and Love came into existence quite early in the grand scheme of things.
[ Now is when Tao takes Jianyu's chin and lifts his face to look at him. ]
You are breathtakingly beautiful, qin ai de. And you are mine.
[He hasn't been doing well since he got fished out of the portal. Brought back from some kind of Erasure.
Most of the people he cares about are gone, and Hoshi... Hoshi is Jianyu, and Goro isn't his Akai, really. At best, he's another universe's version, at worst he's a clone of another universe's version. He isn't anyone's anything, not even the Foundation's perfect expendable D-class.]
You don't seem to understand the kind of being you're asking that.
[He sits next to Akai, gaze resting on the floor as he reaches out to rest a hand on top of Akai's head. If that's something remotely welcome, of course. Otherwise a light pat to the back will do.]
All these years, I've worn many faces. My identity was never really meant to be static, because it always reflected whatever the humans believed it should be. I became Hoshi because that's what was needed; a villain capable of outdoing Masayoshi Shido.
... Being here, now, wasn't part of the original plans; I'm here because it's where I want to be.
How could I understand? Even in my own world, I was just working with the bits I could grasp. The parts of Hoshi that were just a person.
[The hand on his head isn't unwelcome, at least. Akai is mostly too depressed for much more than that. Still, he listens.]
...is that why most of the hosts couldn't make it more than fifty years? Too stuck in their identities? [The curiosity is dull but there. Akai assumes Jianyu's original timeline and Akai's must have some level of similarity or why bother?]
That doesn't explain why you want to be here. Why fucking bother with this cheap knock-off copy of someone you knew? If you weren't here, I could just-
[He listens, as well, letting Akai vent part of those feelings. To get closer to the core of it all.]
I can't imagine how some of your close people are going to feel, knowing how you see yourself and your existence. [He could be cruel; he could send Akai off and force him to find purpose on his own, denying him death or anything similar... but those thoughts are no longer first in line.] It seems you view yourself in a light that's tainted by grief and survivor's guilt.
[Because now he's more inclined to rip off the band-aid, and watch the blood flow.]
You'll never receive an answer to that question, Akai. My reasons for wanting to be here are my own, and they should not influence your self-worth or self-preservation. Living only for another person... is something I find I've come to despise.
Most of them are gone! Just like I was, or worse than I was! Plenty of people just never come back. I don't know why I even did.
[He's not wrong, about the grief and survivor's guilt. There's more to it than that, of course, but Jianyu knows that. He's familiar with Akai's past and how little of his reason to exist has ever been for himself.
Isn't that exactly why he's saying the rest?
Akai curls in on himself as Loki cackles harshly at the barbed words. The internal mocking laughter cuts through anything Robin tries to say.]
Then despise me! I don't know any other way to live, so just hate me so I stop feeling like I'd be abandoning you!
[The yelling doesn't even faze him, and he patiently listens to everything. With a soft hum, he suddenly reaches out to grasp Akai's chin, movements carrying snake-like swiftness (that is a bit unfair to be using on even Akai). His hold is unyielding as he leans in to look Akai right in the eyes.]
Hate you, so you can run away. So you can have an excuse to quit? So you can keep your hands over your ears, and the blindfold over your eyes? [Jianyu lets him go, and then smiles.] I'd just like to make sure I understand, is all.
All these things you're talking about - people going away, never coming back, people being forgotten - are things that are normal parts of existence, for beings such as myself. I remember many gods, demons, and such that nobody else does.
I loved many, I lost many, and I have started over more times than you could possibly count or imagine. [His voice is gradually shifting towards anger that currently matches the same level of emotion as Akai.] Just as you are wondering why I haven't given up on you, I am wondering why you are treating me caring and still being here as a fucking punishment. [He stands, gesturing to the side before a fiery scroll appears in his hand.] If existing alongside me is truly going to be so unbearable for you, perhaps we can work out a new deal, my darling, selfish Akai.
One that could perhaps force you to see the reality you're refusing to perceive.
[He tugs a little against the grip, but it's half-hearted at best. Akai can't say much to the first two; he does kind of want to run away and quit. For a long time, he was more pissed off that there really was life after death than anything.]
What the fuck do you think I'm not hearing and seeing?
Do you think I didn't already know you're stronger than me? I was broken to begin with, it's not hard.
[Akai looks almost confused for a second, not at Jianyu's anger but at the idea of Jianyu really having to wonder why. That he really might not know. He doesn't flinch back at it, either. He was never afraid of pissing off his Hoshi and he doesn't see a reason to be afraid of pissing off Jianyu.] Because I don't know if you care about me or if I just remind you of the Akai you had before!
[He grits his teeth at the appearance of the scroll. And a little at the words. His previous deal was with a different Hoshi, after all. And half with Akira.]
The only thing I want is my people back, Jianyu. And if you can give me that, I don't know what the fuck you've been playing at this whole time because you'll be more powerful than anyone else here.
[He simply gives a steady, unwavering smile, but there's something increasingly chilly about it. Without saying anything else, he places the scroll onto a table in front of Akai - even if that requires willing a table into existence first. Trying to so much as touch the scroll, without simply the intention of signing it, will be unpleasant. To put it lightly, that is. It's the kind of frigid cold that someone might expect to feel out in space, and yet that's nothing compare to the tone of Jianyu's voice as he verbally puts the contract into a more succinct form.]
Currently, it'll expire in twelve months. On the final day, your fate will be determined by your actions between this moment and the expiration date. Heaven, Hell, or The Abyss. In the event that it does not wind up being The Abyss, you'll be given the same capabilities as any other waking world angel or demon - walking around, visiting people, et cetera. Naturally, you'll have the same limitations as them, as well. As examples, demons cannot simply go around hurting people, without reason... and angels cannot revive just anyone.
The terms are simple: during the timespan of the contract, you'll spend each month with a person of my choosing. You will learn from them - whether that's listening to them talk, or helping them with whatever they ask of you, is for them to decide.
Every three months, you will be given an evaluation by both me and the three people you spent time with. After the evaluation, if you did poorly, time will be added onto the contract period - with a maximum limit of three months. If you did well, you will be given a reward. Do well enough, and the tri-monthly reward will be the return of one person. I will not guarantee the exact point in time they come from, but it will be someone you are currently missing. That person will know you as this version of Akai - not as some other timeline's Akai.
Lastly, on the day the contract expires, you will never see nor hear from me again. Our business will be finished, and you will have all of your people back.
You have one day to decide whether to sign it, or to be sent to the waking world Lucifer, for him to decide what to do with you. If the latter happens, you will not be seeing me again, from tomorrow onward.
[Jianyu, apparently, really is more powerful than anyone else here. There's a lot he doesn't understand about him, or about the differences between him and the Hoshi Akai knew, but he's still sure that the contracts are binding. It's something Jianyu can do. Akai stares at the contract for a long moment. Part of him wants to jump on the chance, sign right away, but another part just feels heavy and...sad.]
Sounds like you'll be washing your hands of me no matter what I choose. It's just a matter of when.
I'm afraid you don't have much else in the way of payment, the way you so clearly see things. [There is only a calm, hollow smile.] The faster something valuable is to be delivered, the higher the price will be.
On that note, I will leave you to think it over. You know how to reach out when you need me.
What's there to think about? If I don't sign, I just get thrown out like trash for a stranger to decide my fate and you're done with me even sooner. But I guess that's pretty much what would have happened if I hadn't made the first deal, too.
[Akira had just been a stranger back then, after all. Or whatever tangled mix of Akira and Hoshi they'd been at the time.
Akai stares hard at the contract, trying to figure out if there's a loophole somewhere. If Jianyu even wants there to be. Maybe he doesn't, and this is the answer to Akai's question. He's not worth the trouble anymore.
But then why is that smile so hollow?]
You'd usually make a payment with something the receiver wants. Is this what you want?
He isn't as much of a stranger as you think. I imagine this Lucifer is someone you'd find very... relatable.
[There's a significant pause before he responds to the question.]
You'll find the best results will come from you thinking more about what you want, Akai. [Jianyu studies him for a moment, and then finally adds:] The things I want most in this universe are no longer an option.
[Akai scrubs his hands roughly over his face during that pause. He curls in on himself again, torn between anger and pain and grey misery.]
...if I sign it, am I the only one paying?
[What he wants... He knows what he said and it wasn't a lie but it also isn't that simple. He wants them back but all of that is tangled up in wanting to be loved, wanting to feel like he deserves that love, wanting to stop bringing pain to himself and others, wanting to be better than this.]
[He watches Akai for a moment, and the second question is the one that gets a hint of amusement before he answers the first question.]
Lucifer is someone you've met, many times, in many ways. The real Morningstar is someone you once called a friend. You'll find his presence comforting, I'm sure. [A beat.] And, yes, the only one paying the price of this contract is Akai.
It's a valid fucking question. The amount of power this looks like it would take is insane. Excuse me for wondering if it'll cost you something.
[Bringing people back from Erasure, turning him into an angel or demon outside the dream? Things he didn't even think could be done.
Fuck he's stupid. He thought if Jianyu stopped caring, so would he, but here Jianyu is, throwing him away, and he still wants to make sure the stupid contract won't hurt him.
There's plenty of possible catches, though. And the contract feels so cold. Ominous.
He ends up part of the waking world either way. Cut out of Jianyu's life either way. No guarantee of time period means they might know him before they had any reason to care about him. And if he wakes up, won't he forget? Only 'Akai' pays the price...]
[He can't help laughing softly. There's almost a gentle and sad kind of amusement in there, despite himself. For a long several seconds, he seems to be mentally weighing choices. Finally, he shakes his head.]
I don't think you're ready for that answer. For now, just focus on what you do know.
cw: Goro Akechi, i.e. self-loathing, reference of past murder, I s s u e s
[He swallows probably three different bitter responses there, one hand gripping his other arm tightly.
What he does know. Ha, assuming anything he thinks he knows is even the truth. But what comes to mind first is... numbers.
Twelve people plus Jianyu, base minimum, having their lives affected if he takes the deal. Plus the people he'd get back; he doesn't know if he'd be rescuing them or dragging them back from something happier. All he knows is that he wants them back.
All the people he killed over the years, both before and after his deal. All the rampage incidents. Revenge for his mother, but she'd never asked for it.
How many lives did he end or twist or attach to, just to go on hating himself? Wanting people to care but thinking anyone who did must be crazy. If he's not worth it, what gave him the right to do it?
To keep doing it.
That's what the deal would be. Continuing to put the weight of his existence on other people instead of bearing it himself.]
...I want to stop. I don't want to use other people to keep going anymore. Put the fucking scroll away, Jianyu. No more deals.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Un-Written
Tao
Encore
After they reappear in a private room, he will break the kiss to quietly sing that song from earlier... though the words are definitely changed a bit. Instead of the singer being unable to have his love, it's about him having the person right there.]
no subject
Only once the song is done does he lean back in for another kiss, one full of love, devotion, joy, amusement, lust, and awe. It's deep, but still holds a gentleness to it. A hand cups Jianyu's cheek, simply wanting more contact. After a few moments, he pulls back. ]
Beautiful. Just like you. [ His love should know that Tao isn't talking only physical appearance, but just how he sees all of Jianyu. ]
no subject
Jianyu's gaze shifts to the side, a small smile touching his lips.]
Even after everything, you can still use that word with such ease...
[His words are quiet, but there's no hiding the mixed feelings. Or the way he halfway contradicts them, with how he's pulling Tao closer. He finally caves to the desire to simply bury his face into his other half's shoulder.]
no subject
A kiss is pressed to the top of his love's head, then he simply stays like that. ]
I only speak the truth in my heart. You have always been my universe, all the parts of you that you don't like, I see beauty in them. All you've done and been through have made you who you are now, but I will accept the bad with the good, the one being that I love with all of me.
[ His hand rubs up and down Jianyu's back. Some of the words he speaks are things that he's said before, but Tao will say them as many times as needed. ]
Metatron didn't design me to accept all of you, that was always part of his own love. I was made when he couldn't remember who you were, and it hurt so much, his life was much colder without you in it. You are more than just my whole heart, you're my whole being and reason for existing. All of those days with you have only made me love you more. Your playfulness and mischievousness, your dark past and many secrets, your pain and sorrow, your joy and pleasure, your thoughts and touch, your love and devotion, even all your negative emotions - I want to be able to experience all of you for the rest of eternity.
I would follow you into the depths of darkness, though I'd much rather go hand-in-hand. "Love" seems like such a small word for what I feel for you, and Love came into existence quite early in the grand scheme of things.
[ Now is when Tao takes Jianyu's chin and lifts his face to look at him. ]
You are breathtakingly beautiful, qin ai de. And you are mine.
Sin/Akai/Satankechi
UnErased
Most of the people he cares about are gone, and Hoshi... Hoshi is Jianyu, and Goro isn't his Akai, really. At best, he's another universe's version, at worst he's a clone of another universe's version. He isn't anyone's anything, not even the Foundation's perfect expendable D-class.]
Why don't you just give up on me?
no subject
[He sits next to Akai, gaze resting on the floor as he reaches out to rest a hand on top of Akai's head. If that's something remotely welcome, of course. Otherwise a light pat to the back will do.]
All these years, I've worn many faces. My identity was never really meant to be static, because it always reflected whatever the humans believed it should be. I became Hoshi because that's what was needed; a villain capable of outdoing Masayoshi Shido.
... Being here, now, wasn't part of the original plans; I'm here because it's where I want to be.
no subject
[The hand on his head isn't unwelcome, at least. Akai is mostly too depressed for much more than that. Still, he listens.]
...is that why most of the hosts couldn't make it more than fifty years? Too stuck in their identities? [The curiosity is dull but there. Akai assumes Jianyu's original timeline and Akai's must have some level of similarity or why bother?]
That doesn't explain why you want to be here. Why fucking bother with this cheap knock-off copy of someone you knew? If you weren't here, I could just-
[Disappear.]
cw: blood visuals
I can't imagine how some of your close people are going to feel, knowing how you see yourself and your existence. [He could be cruel; he could send Akai off and force him to find purpose on his own, denying him death or anything similar... but those thoughts are no longer first in line.] It seems you view yourself in a light that's tainted by grief and survivor's guilt.
[Because now he's more inclined to rip off the band-aid, and watch the blood flow.]
You'll never receive an answer to that question, Akai. My reasons for wanting to be here are my own, and they should not influence your self-worth or self-preservation. Living only for another person... is something I find I've come to despise.
no subject
[He's not wrong, about the grief and survivor's guilt. There's more to it than that, of course, but Jianyu knows that. He's familiar with Akai's past and how little of his reason to exist has ever been for himself.
Isn't that exactly why he's saying the rest?
Akai curls in on himself as Loki cackles harshly at the barbed words. The internal mocking laughter cuts through anything Robin tries to say.]
Then despise me! I don't know any other way to live, so just hate me so I stop feeling like I'd be abandoning you!
no subject
Hate you, so you can run away. So you can have an excuse to quit? So you can keep your hands over your ears, and the blindfold over your eyes? [Jianyu lets him go, and then smiles.] I'd just like to make sure I understand, is all.
All these things you're talking about - people going away, never coming back, people being forgotten - are things that are normal parts of existence, for beings such as myself. I remember many gods, demons, and such that nobody else does.
I loved many, I lost many, and I have started over more times than you could possibly count or imagine. [His voice is gradually shifting towards anger that currently matches the same level of emotion as Akai.] Just as you are wondering why I haven't given up on you, I am wondering why you are treating me caring and still being here as a fucking punishment. [He stands, gesturing to the side before a fiery scroll appears in his hand.] If existing alongside me is truly going to be so unbearable for you, perhaps we can work out a new deal, my darling, selfish Akai.
One that could perhaps force you to see the reality you're refusing to perceive.
no subject
What the fuck do you think I'm not hearing and seeing?
Do you think I didn't already know you're stronger than me? I was broken to begin with, it's not hard.
[Akai looks almost confused for a second, not at Jianyu's anger but at the idea of Jianyu really having to wonder why. That he really might not know. He doesn't flinch back at it, either. He was never afraid of pissing off his Hoshi and he doesn't see a reason to be afraid of pissing off Jianyu.] Because I don't know if you care about me or if I just remind you of the Akai you had before!
[He grits his teeth at the appearance of the scroll. And a little at the words. His previous deal was with a different Hoshi, after all. And half with Akira.]
The only thing I want is my people back, Jianyu. And if you can give me that, I don't know what the fuck you've been playing at this whole time because you'll be more powerful than anyone else here.
no subject
Currently, it'll expire in twelve months. On the final day, your fate will be determined by your actions between this moment and the expiration date. Heaven, Hell, or The Abyss. In the event that it does not wind up being The Abyss, you'll be given the same capabilities as any other waking world angel or demon - walking around, visiting people, et cetera. Naturally, you'll have the same limitations as them, as well. As examples, demons cannot simply go around hurting people, without reason... and angels cannot revive just anyone.
The terms are simple: during the timespan of the contract, you'll spend each month with a person of my choosing. You will learn from them - whether that's listening to them talk, or helping them with whatever they ask of you, is for them to decide.
Every three months, you will be given an evaluation by both me and the three people you spent time with. After the evaluation, if you did poorly, time will be added onto the contract period - with a maximum limit of three months. If you did well, you will be given a reward. Do well enough, and the tri-monthly reward will be the return of one person. I will not guarantee the exact point in time they come from, but it will be someone you are currently missing. That person will know you as this version of Akai - not as some other timeline's Akai.
Lastly, on the day the contract expires, you will never see nor hear from me again. Our business will be finished, and you will have all of your people back.
You have one day to decide whether to sign it, or to be sent to the waking world Lucifer, for him to decide what to do with you. If the latter happens, you will not be seeing me again, from tomorrow onward.
Are we clear?
no subject
Sounds like you'll be washing your hands of me no matter what I choose. It's just a matter of when.
no subject
I'm afraid you don't have much else in the way of payment, the way you so clearly see things. [There is only a calm, hollow smile.] The faster something valuable is to be delivered, the higher the price will be.
On that note, I will leave you to think it over. You know how to reach out when you need me.
no subject
[Akira had just been a stranger back then, after all. Or whatever tangled mix of Akira and Hoshi they'd been at the time.
Akai stares hard at the contract, trying to figure out if there's a loophole somewhere. If Jianyu even wants there to be. Maybe he doesn't, and this is the answer to Akai's question. He's not worth the trouble anymore.
But then why is that smile so hollow?]
You'd usually make a payment with something the receiver wants. Is this what you want?
no subject
[There's a significant pause before he responds to the question.]
You'll find the best results will come from you thinking more about what you want, Akai. [Jianyu studies him for a moment, and then finally adds:] The things I want most in this universe are no longer an option.
no subject
[Akai scrubs his hands roughly over his face during that pause. He curls in on himself again, torn between anger and pain and grey misery.]
...if I sign it, am I the only one paying?
[What he wants... He knows what he said and it wasn't a lie but it also isn't that simple. He wants them back but all of that is tangled up in wanting to be loved, wanting to feel like he deserves that love, wanting to stop bringing pain to himself and others, wanting to be better than this.]
no subject
Lucifer is someone you've met, many times, in many ways. The real Morningstar is someone you once called a friend. You'll find his presence comforting, I'm sure. [A beat.] And, yes, the only one paying the price of this contract is Akai.
no subject
It's a valid fucking question. The amount of power this looks like it would take is insane. Excuse me for wondering if it'll cost you something.
[Bringing people back from Erasure, turning him into an angel or demon outside the dream? Things he didn't even think could be done.
Fuck he's stupid. He thought if Jianyu stopped caring, so would he, but here Jianyu is, throwing him away, and he still wants to make sure the stupid contract won't hurt him.
There's plenty of possible catches, though. And the contract feels so cold. Ominous.
He ends up part of the waking world either way. Cut out of Jianyu's life either way. No guarantee of time period means they might know him before they had any reason to care about him. And if he wakes up, won't he forget? Only 'Akai' pays the price...]
...did I know you outside the dream?
no subject
I don't think you're ready for that answer. For now, just focus on what you do know.
cw: Goro Akechi, i.e. self-loathing, reference of past murder, I s s u e s
What he does know. Ha, assuming anything he thinks he knows is even the truth. But what comes to mind first is... numbers.
Twelve people plus Jianyu, base minimum, having their lives affected if he takes the deal. Plus the people he'd get back; he doesn't know if he'd be rescuing them or dragging them back from something happier. All he knows is that he wants them back.
All the people he killed over the years, both before and after his deal. All the rampage incidents. Revenge for his mother, but she'd never asked for it.
How many lives did he end or twist or attach to, just to go on hating himself? Wanting people to care but thinking anyone who did must be crazy. If he's not worth it, what gave him the right to do it?
To keep doing it.
That's what the deal would be. Continuing to put the weight of his existence on other people instead of bearing it himself.]
...I want to stop. I don't want to use other people to keep going anymore. Put the fucking scroll away, Jianyu. No more deals.