It's a valid fucking question. The amount of power this looks like it would take is insane. Excuse me for wondering if it'll cost you something.
[Bringing people back from Erasure, turning him into an angel or demon outside the dream? Things he didn't even think could be done.
Fuck he's stupid. He thought if Jianyu stopped caring, so would he, but here Jianyu is, throwing him away, and he still wants to make sure the stupid contract won't hurt him.
There's plenty of possible catches, though. And the contract feels so cold. Ominous.
He ends up part of the waking world either way. Cut out of Jianyu's life either way. No guarantee of time period means they might know him before they had any reason to care about him. And if he wakes up, won't he forget? Only 'Akai' pays the price...]
[He can't help laughing softly. There's almost a gentle and sad kind of amusement in there, despite himself. For a long several seconds, he seems to be mentally weighing choices. Finally, he shakes his head.]
I don't think you're ready for that answer. For now, just focus on what you do know.
cw: Goro Akechi, i.e. self-loathing, reference of past murder, I s s u e s
[He swallows probably three different bitter responses there, one hand gripping his other arm tightly.
What he does know. Ha, assuming anything he thinks he knows is even the truth. But what comes to mind first is... numbers.
Twelve people plus Jianyu, base minimum, having their lives affected if he takes the deal. Plus the people he'd get back; he doesn't know if he'd be rescuing them or dragging them back from something happier. All he knows is that he wants them back.
All the people he killed over the years, both before and after his deal. All the rampage incidents. Revenge for his mother, but she'd never asked for it.
How many lives did he end or twist or attach to, just to go on hating himself? Wanting people to care but thinking anyone who did must be crazy. If he's not worth it, what gave him the right to do it?
To keep doing it.
That's what the deal would be. Continuing to put the weight of his existence on other people instead of bearing it himself.]
...I want to stop. I don't want to use other people to keep going anymore. Put the fucking scroll away, Jianyu. No more deals.
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no subject
It's a valid fucking question. The amount of power this looks like it would take is insane. Excuse me for wondering if it'll cost you something.
[Bringing people back from Erasure, turning him into an angel or demon outside the dream? Things he didn't even think could be done.
Fuck he's stupid. He thought if Jianyu stopped caring, so would he, but here Jianyu is, throwing him away, and he still wants to make sure the stupid contract won't hurt him.
There's plenty of possible catches, though. And the contract feels so cold. Ominous.
He ends up part of the waking world either way. Cut out of Jianyu's life either way. No guarantee of time period means they might know him before they had any reason to care about him. And if he wakes up, won't he forget? Only 'Akai' pays the price...]
...did I know you outside the dream?
no subject
I don't think you're ready for that answer. For now, just focus on what you do know.
cw: Goro Akechi, i.e. self-loathing, reference of past murder, I s s u e s
What he does know. Ha, assuming anything he thinks he knows is even the truth. But what comes to mind first is... numbers.
Twelve people plus Jianyu, base minimum, having their lives affected if he takes the deal. Plus the people he'd get back; he doesn't know if he'd be rescuing them or dragging them back from something happier. All he knows is that he wants them back.
All the people he killed over the years, both before and after his deal. All the rampage incidents. Revenge for his mother, but she'd never asked for it.
How many lives did he end or twist or attach to, just to go on hating himself? Wanting people to care but thinking anyone who did must be crazy. If he's not worth it, what gave him the right to do it?
To keep doing it.
That's what the deal would be. Continuing to put the weight of his existence on other people instead of bearing it himself.]
...I want to stop. I don't want to use other people to keep going anymore. Put the fucking scroll away, Jianyu. No more deals.