[He swallows probably three different bitter responses there, one hand gripping his other arm tightly.
What he does know. Ha, assuming anything he thinks he knows is even the truth. But what comes to mind first is... numbers.
Twelve people plus Jianyu, base minimum, having their lives affected if he takes the deal. Plus the people he'd get back; he doesn't know if he'd be rescuing them or dragging them back from something happier. All he knows is that he wants them back.
All the people he killed over the years, both before and after his deal. All the rampage incidents. Revenge for his mother, but she'd never asked for it.
How many lives did he end or twist or attach to, just to go on hating himself? Wanting people to care but thinking anyone who did must be crazy. If he's not worth it, what gave him the right to do it?
To keep doing it.
That's what the deal would be. Continuing to put the weight of his existence on other people instead of bearing it himself.]
...I want to stop. I don't want to use other people to keep going anymore. Put the fucking scroll away, Jianyu. No more deals.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: Goro Akechi, i.e. self-loathing, reference of past murder, I s s u e s
What he does know. Ha, assuming anything he thinks he knows is even the truth. But what comes to mind first is... numbers.
Twelve people plus Jianyu, base minimum, having their lives affected if he takes the deal. Plus the people he'd get back; he doesn't know if he'd be rescuing them or dragging them back from something happier. All he knows is that he wants them back.
All the people he killed over the years, both before and after his deal. All the rampage incidents. Revenge for his mother, but she'd never asked for it.
How many lives did he end or twist or attach to, just to go on hating himself? Wanting people to care but thinking anyone who did must be crazy. If he's not worth it, what gave him the right to do it?
To keep doing it.
That's what the deal would be. Continuing to put the weight of his existence on other people instead of bearing it himself.]
...I want to stop. I don't want to use other people to keep going anymore. Put the fucking scroll away, Jianyu. No more deals.